Looking after yourself as a family carer: stress, guilt and getting support

Health & daily life · 4 min read · Last updated 2 November 2026

Looking after an older relative can be rewarding, but it can also leave you exhausted, anxious or guilty, especially when you are making decisions about a care home from far away. Looking after yourself is not selfish: it helps you and the person you care for. This guide draws on the Alzheimer's Society and the NHS in the UK. Support differs by country, so ask locally. It is general information, not medical advice.

Signs of strain

The Alzheimer's Society says carers may feel exhausted, emotional, overwhelmed or become unwell. It describes worry, anxiety, frustration and guilt about these feelings, or about taking time for yourself, as common. Carers often put the other person's needs first, which makes self-care harder. If you are worried about your own health, talk to your doctor. In the UK, the NHS suggests registering as a carer at your GP practice.

Guilt and the care home decision

The Alzheimer's Society lists the most common reasons carers feel guilty: not doing enough, regret about past irritation, anger and frustration, wanting time for themselves, accepting help and moving a relative into a care home. For the last of these, it suggests:

  • Promises to keep someone at home were usually made in a different situation.
  • A care home does not end the caring role. The Society calls it "just a different way of caring."
  • Some carers find that visits become more relaxed and meaningful, with less focus on practical tasks.

See talking to a parent about moving and settling in to a care home.

Ways to ease the load

  • Check whether your expectations are realistic, and reduce them or seek more help where you can.
  • Tell family and friends how you feel, as this may prompt them to offer support.
  • Remember that no "perfect carer" exists, and avoid being too hard on yourself.
  • Accept that frustration is normal. Step out of the room to let things settle, and try exercise, deep breathing or enjoyable activities.
  • Use respite options such as home help, day care or residential care, and ask friends or family to sit with the person. See respite and short-stay care.
  • Keep a journal of good moments to lift your mood on hard days.
  • Put key financial and legal matters in order early, while you have time to plan. See legal documents for care abroad.
  • If you live far away, share tasks and use a family team. See supporting a parent from a distance.

Ask for a carer’s assessment

In England, a carer's assessment is a free assessment of your own needs as an adult carer, carried out by your local council's adult social services. According to West London NHS Trust, you can have one even if the person you care for does not want their own needs assessed. It looks at what help you need with caring, with looking after your own health, and with balancing caring alongside your life, work and family commitments. You can request a new one if your circumstances change.

Where to find support

  • Online communities: the Alzheimer's Society runs a Dementia Support Forum, where carers connect and share experiences.
  • Helplines: the Alzheimer's Society (UK) runs the Dementia Connect support line, which it lists as 0333 150 3456 (UK number).
  • Friends and family: say how you feel and what would help.
  • Professional support: talk to your own doctor if you feel low, anxious or unable to cope.

If you ever feel unable to cope, or have thoughts of harming yourself or the person you care for, contact your doctor or local emergency services straight away.

Frequently asked questions

Is it selfish to take time for myself?

The Alzheimer's Society says self-care supports your own health and wellbeing and also benefits the person you care for. Wanting time away from caring is common, and it can make you a better carer.

Is it normal to feel guilty about a care home?

Yes. The Alzheimer's Society describes it as one of the most common sources of guilt for carers. It suggests that a care home is a different way of caring rather than the end of caring.

Can I get a carer’s assessment if my relative lives abroad?

The assessment described here is for England, and depends on where you and your relative live. Ask the local council or social services in the country where your relative lives what support is available to you.

Sources and further reading

This guide is general information only, compiled from the public sources listed above as of the date shown. It is not legal, medical, tax, financial or care advice, and we cannot guarantee that it is complete, accurate or up to date. Rules, thresholds and prices change and differ by country and region, and some sources describe other countries' rules as examples. Check details with the authorities and care homes named, and take professional advice for your own situation before you act. If you spot an error, please email [email protected] and we will correct it.